jokes.txt

A piece of rope walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here."\nThe rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends.  The rope walks back into the bar.\nThe bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?"\nThe rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?\nHe gave her a ring
How does a computer catch fish?\nWith its Internet
How does thread get to school?\nA spool bus
How do handymen get to school?\nA tool bus
How do pigs talk?\nSwine language
How do you make a skeleton laugh?\nYou ticke their funny bone
How many apples grow on a tree?\nAll of them
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?\nTen tickles
I have a knock knock joke to tell you, but you have to start it.
Knock knock\nWho is there?\nFunny joke\nFunny joke who?\nLaugh time
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff\nBuh Dum Tsssssss
What are the smartest animals?\nFish, because they stay in schools
What can you eat to improve your hearing?\nAn ear of corn
What can you steal and not get in trouble?\n2nd base
What crew mans a haunted ship?\nA skeleton crew
What did Mr. & Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?\nPatty
What did the clock do when it was hungry?\nIt went back four seconds
What did the fish name his kid?\nGill
What did the golf player name his son?\nChip
What did the hotdog say after the race?\nI am the wiener
What does a tree do when it is ready to go home?\nIt leaves
What do pigs and ink have in common?\nThey both go in pens
What do they make in tanks factories?\nTanks
What do you call a deer with no eyes?\nNo eye deer
What do you call a fish wearing a tie?\nSofishticated
What do you call a fish with no eyes?\nfsh
What do you call a fish with three eyes?\nfiiish
What do you call the last bit of snow to hit the ground?\nA slowflake
What do you get from a pampered cow?\nSpoiled milk
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?\nA Flat Miner
What has three horns and gives milk?\nA cow driving a car
What is a pirate's favorite letter?\nYou would think it would be Arrrrr, but his true love is the sea
What is blue and smells like red paint?\nBlue paint
What is brown and sticky?\nA stick
What is the best side of the house to put the porch on?\nThe outside
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?\nThe pavement
What kind of band plays snappy music?\nA rubber band
What kind of bird is always sad?\nA blue bird
What kind of music sticks with you?\nTaped music
What kind of pets does a band have?\nTrum-pets
What was the musician's favorite pastry?\nA drum roll
When does the cow jump over the jelly?\nWhen there's jelly on the moon!
Where did the elephant store its suitcase?\nIn its trunk
Where does the dog hate to shop?\nAt the flea market
Where does the general keep his armies?\nIn his sleevies
Where do I get my dad jokes from?\nThe dadabase
Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?\nThe meat ball
Who did the ghoul go trick or treating with?\nHis ghoul friend
Why are math textbooks always stressed?\nThey deal with so many problems
Why didn't the cashier laugh at the joke?\nIt did not make cents
Why didn't the hockey player want to pay for dinner?\nHe was a cheapskate
Why did the chicken cross the playground?\nTo get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the road?\nTo get to the other side
Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize?\nHe was out standing in his field
Why did the fish have a bad report card?\nBecause all of his grades were under "C"
Why did the foot smile?\nThey was toe happy
Why did the horse like to drive trucks?\nHe liked haulin' oats
Why did the pirate cross the road?\nTo get to your house\nKnock knock\nWho's there?\nIT'S THE PIRATE!
Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player?\nHe stole 2nd base
Why did the sun never shine on the castle?\nIt was full of knights
Why do most fish live in salt water?\nBecause they are allergic to pepper
Why do programmers take long showers?\nLather, rinse, repeat.
Why do owls always get invited to bird parties?\nThey are such a hoot
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?\nIf they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?\nPepper water would make them sneeze
Why was six afraid of seven?\nBecause seven ate nine
Why was the colt laughing?\nHe was a little horse