diff --git a/.github/workflows/ci.yml b/.github/workflows/ci.yml
index afc612c301..6c1cd9d061 100644
--- a/.github/workflows/ci.yml
+++ b/.github/workflows/ci.yml
@@ -100,21 +100,3 @@ jobs:
         env:
           # Should match 'name:' up above
           JOB_NAME: 'macOS (${{ matrix.python }})'
-
-  Alpine:
-    name: 'Alpine'
-    timeout-minutes: 10
-    runs-on: 'ubuntu-latest'
-    container: 'alpine'
-    strategy:
-      fail-fast: false
-    steps:
-      - name: Checkout
-        uses: actions/checkout@v2
-      - name: Install bash
-        run: apk add --no-cache bash
-      - name: Run tests
-        run: ./ci.sh
-        env:
-          # Should match 'name:' up above
-          JOB_NAME: 'Alpine'
diff --git a/.travis.yml b/.travis.yml
index 911834d76d..43e24c8b9e 100644
--- a/.travis.yml
+++ b/.travis.yml
@@ -11,28 +11,6 @@ jobs:
       env: PYPY_NIGHTLY_BRANCH=py3.6
     - language: generic
       env: PYPY_NIGHTLY_BRANCH=py3.7
-    # Qemu tests are also slow
-    # FreeBSD:
-    - language: generic
-      env:
-        - "JOB_NAME='FreeBSD 12.1-RELEASE, full VM'"
-        - "FREEBSD_INSTALLER_ISO_XZ=https://download.freebsd.org/ftp/releases/amd64/amd64/ISO-IMAGES/12.1/FreeBSD-12.1-RELEASE-amd64-disc1.iso.xz"
-        # Increment this each time you change the image build code in
-        # ci.sh and want to intentionally bust the cache.
-        - "CACHE_GEN=3"
-      cache:
-        directories:
-          - travis-cache
-    # More recent Ubuntu:
-    # The unique thing this provides is testing on the given distro's
-    # kernel, which is important when we use new kernel features. This
-    # is also good for testing the latest openssl etc., and getting
-    # early warning of any issues that might happen in the next Ubuntu
-    # LTS.
-    - language: generic
-      env:
-        - "JOB_NAME='Fedora 32, full VM'"
-        - "LINUX_VM_IMAGE=https://download.fedoraproject.org/pub/fedora/linux/releases/32/Cloud/x86_64/images/Fedora-Cloud-Base-32-1.6.x86_64.qcow2"
 
     - python: 3.6.1  # earliest 3.6 version available on Travis
       # https://github.com/pypa/setuptools/issues/2350
diff --git a/ci.sh b/ci.sh
index 1386e15280..c48062a501 100755
--- a/ci.sh
+++ b/ci.sh
@@ -29,14 +29,6 @@ function curl-harder() {
 # Bootstrap python environment, if necessary
 ################################################################
 
-### Alpine ###
-
-if [ -e /etc/alpine-release ]; then
-    apk add --no-cache gcc musl-dev libffi-dev openssl-dev python3-dev curl
-    python3 -m venv venv
-    source venv/bin/activate
-fi
-
 ### PyPy nightly (currently on Travis) ###
 
 if [ "$PYPY_NIGHTLY_BRANCH" != "" ]; then
@@ -67,320 +59,6 @@ if [ "$PYPY_NIGHTLY_BRANCH" != "" ]; then
     source testenv/bin/activate
 fi
 
-### FreeBSD-in-Qemu virtual-machine inception, on Travis
-
-# This is complex, because none of the pre-made images are set up to be
-# controlled by an automatic process – making them do anything requires a
-# human to look at the screen and type stuff. So we hack up an install CD, run
-# it to build our own custom image, and use that. But that's slow and we don't
-# want to do it every run, so we try to get Travis to cache the image for us.
-#
-# Additional subtlety: we actually re-use the same image in-place, and let
-# Travis re-cache it every time. The point of this is that it saves our system
-# packages + pip cache, so we don't have to re-fetch them from scratch every
-# time. (In particular, this means that the first time we install a given
-# version of cryptography, we have to build it from source, but on subsequent
-# runs we'll have a pre-built wheel sitting in our disk image.)
-#
-# You can run this locally for testing. But some things to watch out for:
-#
-# - It'll modify /etc/exports on your host machine. You might want to clean
-#   it up after.
-# - It'll create a symlink at /host-files on your host machine. You might want
-#   to clean it up after.
-# - If you don't want to keep downloading the installer ISO over and over,
-#   then drop an unpacked copy at ./local-freebsd-installer.iso
-
-if [ "$FREEBSD_INSTALLER_ISO_XZ" != "" ]; then
-    sudo apt update
-    sudo apt install qemu-system-x86 qemu-utils nfs-kernel-server
-
-    if [ ! -e travis-cache/image.qcow2 ]; then
-        echo "--- No cached FreeBSD VM image; recreating from scratch ---"
-        sudo apt install growisofs genisoimage
-        rm -rf scratch
-        mkdir scratch
-        qemu-img create -f qcow2 scratch/image.qcow2 10G
-        if [ -e local-freebsd-installer.iso ]; then
-            cp local-freebsd-installer.iso scratch/installer.iso
-        else
-            curl-harder "$FREEBSD_INSTALLER_ISO_XZ" -o scratch/installer.iso.xz
-            unxz scratch/installer.iso.xz
-        fi
-
-        # Files that we want to add to the ISO, to convert it into an
-        # unattended-installer:
-        mkdir -p scratch/overlay/etc
-        mkdir -p scratch/overlay/boot
-        # Use serial console, and disable the normal 10 second pause before
-        # booting
-        cat >scratch/overlay/boot/loader.conf.local <<EOF
-console=comconsole
-autoboot_delay=0
-EOF
-        # The default rc.local does a bunch of stuff. For example, if you're
-        # using a serial console, it unconditionally stops the boot to ask you
-        # what TERM to use. So we overwrite rc.local with a stripped-down
-        # version that just handles the one thing we care about, and never
-        # asks questions.
-        cat >scratch/overlay/etc/rc.local <<EOF
-#!/bin/sh
-export TERM=vt100
-bsdinstall script /etc/installerconfig
-EOF
-
-        # This is the installer script that manages the unattended install.
-        # The first part sets some variables that control the install process.
-        # The last part (everything after #!/bin/sh) is an arbitrary script
-        # that gets run after the install is finished, inside the new
-        # environment chroot, so it can apply any custom tweaks to the new
-        # system. Specifically, it:
-        # - does some basic network and boot configuration
-        # - installs bash + python
-        # - installs a boot script that mounts /host-files and then runs
-        #   /host-files/freebsd-wrapper.sh as a bash script.
-        # - powers off the system
-        cat >scratch/overlay/etc/installerconfig <<EOF
-PARTITIONS=ada0
-DISTRIBUTIONS="base.txz kernel.txz"
-
-#!/bin/sh
-set -exuo pipefail
-
-echo "ifconfig_em0=SYNCDHCP" >> /etc/rc.conf
-/bin/cp /usr/share/zoneinfo/UTC /etc/localtime
-
-echo 'autoboot_delay=0' >> /boot/loader.conf.local
-echo 'console=comconsole' >> /boot/loader.conf.local
-
-dhclient em0
-export ASSUME_ALWAYS_YES=true
-pkg install bash curl python38 py38-sqlite3
-
-mkdir /host-files
-cat >>/etc/rc.local <<INNER_RC_LOCAL
-set +ex
-export PATH=/sbin:/bin:/usr/sbin:/usr/bin:/usr/local/sbin:/usr/local/bin
-pkg upgrade -y
-mount_nfs -o nolockd 10.0.2.2:/host-files /host-files
-cd /host-files
-bash ./freebsd-wrapper.sh
-INNER_RC_LOCAL
-
-halt -p
-EOF
-
-        # Add these files to our .iso. This is a little tricky because (a)
-        # iso9660 is a read-only filesystem, so it can't be modified in-place,
-        # and (b) unpacking and repacking the .iso is really tricky, because
-        # there's special boot metadata that has to be copied over.
-        # Fortunately though, iso9660 has an obscure feature where you can
-        # append some data on the end as a second "session", and add new files
-        # that shadow whatever files are in the first "session". So that's
-        # what we do. Also we have to set the volume label correctly, because
-        # that the bootloader uses it to locate the install CD.
-        LABEL=$(isoinfo -i scratch/installer.iso -d | grep "Volume id" | cut -f2 -d:)
-        growisofs -V $LABEL -M scratch/installer.iso -R -J scratch/overlay
-
-        # And now we can boot our custom install CD. When this VM exits again,
-        # we'll have a FreeBSD install in travis-cache/image.qcow2
-        sudo sudo -u $USER -g kvm qemu-system-x86_64 \
-            -enable-kvm \
-            -M pc \
-            -m 2048 \
-            -cdrom scratch/installer.iso \
-            -hda scratch/image.qcow2 \
-            -nographic \
-            -net nic \
-            -net user
-
-        # Everything seems to have worked, so move the completed image into
-        # the cache dir
-        mkdir travis-cache || true
-        mv scratch/image.qcow2 travis-cache/
-    fi
-
-    # OK, we have a FreeBSD image! Let's use it to run our tests.
-    cat >freebsd-wrapper.sh <<EOF
-#!/bin/bash
-
-set -xeuo pipefail
-
-# When this script exits, we shut down the machine, which causes the qemu on
-# the host to exit
-trap "halt -p" exit
-
-uname -a
-freebsd-version
-echo $PWD
-id
-
-# Pass-through JOB_NAME + the env vars that codecov-bash looks at
-export JOB_NAME="$JOB_NAME"
-export CI="$CI"
-export TRAVIS="$TRAVIS"
-export TRAVIS_COMMIT="$TRAVIS_COMMIT"
-export TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST_SHA="$TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST_SHA"
-export TRAVIS_JOB_NUMBER="$TRAVIS_JOB_NUMBER"
-export TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST="$TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST"
-export TRAVIS_JOB_ID="$TRAVIS_JOB_ID"
-export TRAVIS_REPO_SLUG="$TRAVIS_REPO_SLUG"
-export TRAVIS_TAG="$TRAVIS_TAG"
-export TRAVIS_BRANCH="$TRAVIS_BRANCH"
-
-env | sort
-
-# We put the venv into tmpfs, to prevent it getting cached with the rest of
-# the system image (plus, it's fast).
-mkdir /venv || true
-mount -t tmpfs tmpfs /venv
-python3.8 -m venv /venv
-set +u
-source /venv/bin/activate
-set -u
-
-# And put a tmpfs on the empty dir as well, because coverage uses it for
-# storage, and this makes it *massively* faster than if it's on NFS
-mkdir empty
-mount -t tmpfs tmpfs ./empty
-
-# And then we re-invoke ourselves!
-bash ./ci.sh
-
-# We can't pass our exit status out. So if we got this far without error, make
-# a marker file where the host can see it.
-touch /host-files/SUCCESS
-
-EOF
-
-    rm -f SUCCESS
-
-    # I originally tried to use SMB, which is super convenient because qemu
-    # has built-in support for exporting an SMB share to the guest. But it
-    # turns out FreeBSD's SMB support has a bunch of limitations: no symlinks,
-    # no os.utime, etc., that broke using it as a working directory.
-    sudo ln -sfT $(pwd) /host-files
-    if ! grep -q /host-files /etc/exports; then
-        echo "/host-files 127.0.0.1/32(rw,async,all_squash,anonuid=$(id -u),anongid=$(id -g),no_subtree_check,insecure)" | sudo tee -a /etc/exports
-    fi
-    sudo systemctl start nfs-kernel-server.service
-    sudo exportfs -a
-
-    sudo sudo -u $USER -g kvm qemu-system-x86_64 \
-      -enable-kvm \
-      -M pc \
-      -m 6144 \
-      -nographic \
-      -hda travis-cache/image.qcow2 \
-      -net nic \
-      -net user
-
-    test -e SUCCESS
-    exit
-fi
-
-### Linux-in-Qemu virtual-machine inception, on Travis
-
-if [ "$LINUX_VM_IMAGE" != "" ]; then
-    VM_CPU=${VM_CPU:-x86_64}
-
-    sudo apt update
-    sudo apt install cloud-image-utils qemu-system-x86
-
-    # If the base image is already present, we don't try downloading it again;
-    # and we use a scratch image for the actual run, in order to keep the base
-    # image file pristine. None of this matters when running in CI, but it
-    # makes local testing much easier.
-    BASEIMG=$(basename $LINUX_VM_IMAGE)
-    if [ ! -e $BASEIMG ]; then
-        curl-harder "$LINUX_VM_IMAGE" -o $BASEIMG
-    fi
-    rm -f os-working.img
-    qemu-img create -f qcow2 -b $BASEIMG os-working.img
-
-    # This is the test script, that runs inside the VM, using cloud-init.
-    #
-    # This script goes through shell expansion, so use \ to quote any
-    # $variables you want to expand inside the guest.
-    cloud-localds -H test-host seed.img /dev/stdin << EOF
-#!/bin/bash
-
-set -xeuo pipefail
-
-# When this script exits, we shut down the machine, which causes the qemu on
-# the host to exit
-trap "poweroff" exit
-
-uname -a
-echo \$PWD
-id
-cat /etc/fedora-release
-cat /proc/cpuinfo
-
-# Pass-through JOB_NAME + the env vars that codecov-bash looks at
-export JOB_NAME="$JOB_NAME"
-export CI="$CI"
-export TRAVIS="$TRAVIS"
-export TRAVIS_COMMIT="$TRAVIS_COMMIT"
-export TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST_SHA="$TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST_SHA"
-export TRAVIS_JOB_NUMBER="$TRAVIS_JOB_NUMBER"
-export TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST="$TRAVIS_PULL_REQUEST"
-export TRAVIS_JOB_ID="$TRAVIS_JOB_ID"
-export TRAVIS_REPO_SLUG="$TRAVIS_REPO_SLUG"
-export TRAVIS_TAG="$TRAVIS_TAG"
-export TRAVIS_BRANCH="$TRAVIS_BRANCH"
-
-env | sort
-
-mkdir /host-files
-mount -t 9p -o trans=virtio,version=9p2000.L host-files /host-files
-
-# Set up the system Python (Fedora preinstalls Python 3)
-python3 -m venv /venv
-# Uses unbound shell variable PS1, so have to allow that temporarily
-set +u
-source /venv/bin/activate
-set -u
-
-# We put a tmpfs on the empty dir because coverage uses it for
-# storage, and this is much faster than if coverage has to go through virtfs.
-mkdir /host-files/empty
-mount -t tmpfs tmpfs /host-files/empty
-
-# And then we re-invoke ourselves!
-cd /host-files
-./ci.sh
-
-# We can't pass our exit status out. So if we got this far without error, make
-# a marker file where the host can see it.
-touch /host-files/SUCCESS
-EOF
-
-    rm -f SUCCESS
-    # Apparently Travis's bionic images have nested virtualization enabled, so
-    # we can use KVM... but the default user isn't in the appropriate groups
-    # to use KVM, so we have to use 'sudo' to add that. And then a second
-    # 'sudo', because by default we have rights to run arbitrary commands as
-    # root, but we don't have rights to run a command as ourselves but with a
-    # tweaked group setting.
-    #
-    # Travis Linux VMs have 7.5 GiB RAM, so we give our nested VM 6 GiB RAM
-    # (-m 6144).
-    sudo sudo -u $USER -g kvm qemu-system-$VM_CPU \
-      -enable-kvm \
-      -M pc \
-      -m 6144 \
-      -nographic \
-      -drive "file=./os-working.img,if=virtio" \
-      -drive "file=./seed.img,if=virtio,format=raw" \
-      -net nic \
-      -net "user,hostfwd=tcp:127.0.0.1:50022-:22" \
-      -virtfs local,path=$PWD,security_model=mapped-file,mount_tag=host-files
-
-    test -e SUCCESS
-    exit
-fi
-
 ################################################################
 # We have a Python environment!
 ################################################################