prose

file/philophobia.html

@@ -59,7 +59,7 @@ <h2>Prelude.</h2>
 
     <h2>Smothered by affection.</h2>
 
-    <p>Not now, nor in the past didn't things work out because there were major compatibility problems—on the contrary—but in large part because of feeling uncomfortable. It's a hard to describe sensation of feeling weird with myself. An uneasiness from within. Claustrophobic is an exaggeration, yet it sufficiently triggers the flight response to become distant. What's curious is that I have absolutely no problem being affectionate and caring when the thought of a relationship doesn't enter the picture. Nevertheless, as soon as I feel someone becomes dependent on me, I skedaddle. A shame really, cowardly. Is it awkward that plants depend on water? Is it awkward that honeybees depend on flower pollen? Who the hell feels uncomfortable for depending on oxygen? Like a chemical bond or any natural process it is beautiful that two beings jive so well to the point they need each other. Together they evolve into a unity that couldn't otherwise exist. “The whole being greater than the sum of its parts.” What I should've learned by now is that not all forms of dependence are bad. Everything is connected therefore in some way dependent on something else. The repulsion likely originates from growing up with the wrong kind of dependence as an example; a kind of toxic taking someone for granted attitude causing that same someone to lose their agency. Something I wanted to avoid at all costs.</p>
+    <p>Not now, nor in the past didn't things work out because there were major compatibility problems—on the contrary—but in large part because of feeling irrationally uncomfortable. It's a hard to describe sensation of feeling weird with myself. An uneasiness from within. Claustrophobic is an exaggeration, yet it sufficiently triggers the flight response to become distant. What's curious is that I have absolutely no problem being affectionate and caring when the thought of a relationship doesn't enter the picture. Nevertheless, as soon as I feel someone becomes dependent on me, I skedaddle. A shame really, cowardly. Is it awkward that plants depend on water? Is it awkward that honeybees depend on flower pollen? Who the hell feels uncomfortable for depending on oxygen? Like a chemical bond or any natural process it is beautiful that two beings jive so well to the point they need each other. Together they evolve into a unity that couldn't otherwise exist. “The whole being greater than the sum of its parts.” What I should've learned by now is that not all forms of dependence are bad. Everything is connected therefore in some way dependent on something else. The repulsion likely originates from growing up with the wrong kind of dependence as an example; a kind of toxic taking someone for granted attitude causing that same someone to lose their agency. Something I wanted to avoid at all costs.</p>
 
     <p>Regardless, it is no get out of jail free card. The fact remains that I've hurt people by turning cold, which truly makes me despise myself—I goddamn hate that I made Leia cry; it's the most viscerally painful memory I have. Evocable at instant, with equal potency. Imagine her facing you in the couch, cross legged, head slumped, eyes welled up to express enough hurt to supply decades of drama. At one point her gaze turns to you, and with unseen tenderness she softly yet firmly punches your side. Not to hurt, but to make it all go away: “How could you do this? It doesn't make sense!”, she said crying. I didn't know, and started crying as well—the only punch I got that ever really hurt. Then, outside, our final moments, both still not registering what was happening. I was fully absorbing every detail about her. The more I did, the more I loved her, realising we weren't at a horizontal junction, but a vertical one. For I was jumping off a waterfall by leaving her behind—a mistake…</p>