Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem
- In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
- I would tell some UDP jokes too but I never know if anyone gets them
- The great thing about TCP jokes is that you always get them.
- I had a funny UDP joke to tell, but I lost it somewhere...
Interviewer: Please, explain deadclocks and we will hire you.
Programmer: Hire me and I will explain.
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?” “Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None – It’s a hardware problem
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” very long pause…. “Java.”
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, 'I know, I'll use threads' - and then two they hav erpoblesms.
Knock knock. Race condition. Who's there?
A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage.
The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue."
The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure."
The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float".
The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.
In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.
A programmer joke:
!false
It is funny because it is true!
Q. Why did the programmer quit his job?
A. Because he didn't get arrays.
Q. 0 is false 1 is true, right?
A. 1
Q. What is a programmer's favorite spot?
A. Foo Bar
Q. Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A. Because they don't c#
99 bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Take one down, fix it,
108 bug in the code.
A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to to tables and asks...
"Can I join you?"
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later.... they walked out
Becasue they couldn't find a table.
In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.
A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”
When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs. IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave…and you don’t get any beer either…”
The worst part about token ring jokes is that if someone starts telling one while you are telling yours, all joking stops.